Spiritual Journey

Raised in the Christian faith and brought to early understanding of what it means to be a person of faith in the context of a Protestant framework, specifically Presbyterianism, I understood myself to be a child of God, and, in particular, a follower of Jesus Christ. I was baptized as an infant and can remember placing a childlike faith in Jesus at a young age–probably around 4 or 5 years old. That may seem young, but my parents instilled obedience, devotion, and even fear and awe in me by example and consistent exposure to religious ideas and practices. Attendance at church services, Sunday School, youth group meetings, family camps and eventually confirmation classes was supplemented by home-based rituals of prayer before meals and bedtime, Bible stories and behavioral practices that emphasized clear distinctions between wrong and right. Looking back, it is fair to characterize my upbringing as strict and religious. By the time I started to critically examine my beliefs in high school and throughout my college years, I came to understand that I was pushing back against Calvinistic ideas that had been deeply implanted in my psyche.

Against this backdrop, the trajectory of my religious, spiritual journey in adulthood has been one of moving away from and returning toward the formulative tenets of belief instilled at an early age:

• College years: attended Whitworth College (now University), a Presbyterian affiliated institution that while socially liberal enforced a conduct code summed up as “The Big Three”: no drinking, no drugs, no co-habitation. I occasionally attended church services off-campus.
  
• Graduate School: Janet and I married in the summer following my graduation from Whitworth, and we moved to Pullman, WA, where she completed her senior year at Washington State University and I started a master’s program in English Literature. We attended the Evangelical Free Church of the Palouse: “a body of believers, a family church united by the ties of love and Jesus Christ’s sacrifice. Our congregation has a rich and fruitful history, a diverse and broad demographic, and a deep desire for more of Jesus. We meet together in order to encourage one another in love and in obedience to the commands of our Lord.”

• Chicago years: moving to Chicago to attend the Library Science program at the University of Chicago, Janet and I were deeply involved in The Moody Church, a nondenominal Christian church located in the heart of the city. At Moody were we exposed to conservative theology, a focus on discipleship and developing strong Christian families. Here we attended small group Bible studies, were taught friendship evangelism and adopted a practice of scripture memory.

• Child raising and Career: returning to the Northwest after accepting a librarian position at the University of Oregon in Eugene, we first attended Berean Baptist Church. We thought that our experience in the religiously conservative environment of Moody had aligned our views more closely with a Baptist perspective. To the dismay of our families, in particular Janet’s mother, we reconsidered and transferred to Central Presbyterian Church, returning to our roots so to speak. We were persuaded by her contention that if the younger generation did not replenish the older in the traditional denominations, the Presbyterians, Lutherans, Methodists, etc. would cease to exist (a prophetic insight!). Our years at Central moved our views in a much more liberal direction. I joined a men’s group (drumming and reading Iron John), fought to include gay and lesbian members in congregational leadership and delved into Process and Liberation theologies. This swerve to the left was followed by another flip to the right. In the mid-90s, we made the decision to attend First Baptist Church, a large, downtown congregation. The girls were enrolled in the Awana program; we attended Bible studies and eventually became members, accepting the requirement that we needed to be baptized as adults. During this time, I became immersed in the music program, singing in the choir and playing bells. A stark difference between Central and FB was the sermon style. Instead of “preaching,” the lead pastor “taught” from the Bible while the congregation took notes on prepared handouts. We also purchased cassettes of sermon series. While I loved the less traditional music, Janet and the girls felt the lack of intimacy and sense of connection in this large congregation, and, when my parents retired to Eugene, we switched churches again, deciding to attend Central Lutheran Church with them. Central Lutheran had many similarities with Central Presbyterian, but it was also quite a bit more liturgical in its approach. We stayed at CL for many years, raising the girls through involvement in its Sunday School, confirmation and youth group programs. Janet and I sang in choir. We also became involved in church governance and both of us served on the church Council–Janet as secretary and I as Council President. A good fit for us, we probably would have made a permanent church home there, but in 2011, the church became bitterly divided over the fate of its Associate Pastor–a good friend of mine. The politics turned nasty and eventually my friend was voted out and dismissed from his position.

• The turbulent years: approaching my mid-fifties, I suffered a crisis of belief and commitment with regard to organized religion. I stopped attending church and journeyed into what I have called a spiritual desert. This period continued until 2015 when Janet invited me to attend a bat mitzvah for a student who she had taught in third grade. I went reluctantly and with no expectations. To my complete and utter astonishment, I was “surprised by joy.” The ritual, music and Hebrew language triggered an epiphany, and I felt inexplicably drawn to this form of praise and worship.
  
• The Jewish years: some of the earliest posts in this blog relate to parts of the experience that ensued. I dove into Judaism at Temple Beth Israel with a fervor that I had not experienced in many years. All aspects of the worship drew me out of the desert into an oasis–the cultural aspects less so, but it was fascinating. I started volunteering and took on helping out with the luncheon for seniors; working in the gift shop; coordinating the notification of yahrzeits (i.e., Jewish anniversaries of death) and even helping to organize the Exploring Judaism group that met monthly with the Rabbi. Beyond that, I took Hebrew language classes; attended many classes; participated in holiday rituals; tried out Kosher eating and even delivered a message from the pulpit at one of the Rosh Hashanah services. All of this culminated in a formal conversion to Judaism that was sealed in a local mikvah. Once COVID arrived in full force, I started to gradually drift away as all the programming went online and remote access became the norm for participation. By the time people started to return to the synagogue in person, I had retired from the UO and we had moved across town to the north side of Eugene. I never really recovered from the combination of these changes, and by the fall of 2023, my separation from Temple Beth Israel was complete.

Present day: During the eight-year period that I was involved with Temple Beth Israel, Janet continued to worship in a Lutheran setting. The pastors at Emmaus Lutheran Church had become good friends since their arrival in Eugene in 2016, and it was an easy decision for Janet to start attending after the wrenching upheaval at Central. I attended services with her on occasion and am now reengaging on a deeper level.

So, as I write these words in the spring of 2025, I am left wondering where all this leaves me. Now in my 65th year of life, have I arrived nowhere or somewhere? I want to explore that question in the next several posts. You will probably draw some conclusions of your own about what this all means, and I would love to hear them. It has not been a straight, undeviating path, and that has me wanting to sort it out to the best of my ability.