SDAC pt. 2 … (rules to live by)

Having established the primacy of SDAC at the heart of the human condition (ha!), I want to move on to the implications. As the drive for self-determination, autonomy and control over one’s life asserts itself and as it assumes fundamental importance in the latter stage of life, what happens when it collides with same drive in another person? In this reflection, I am especially interested in the context of marriage or any sort of an intentional, long-term commitment to relationship with another human being.

On the surface and often in practice, at least as I have experienced it, the collisions of SDACs can be the rocky shoals upon which a relationship is battered and sometimes wrecked. I see this most clearly in my own life at the points where I have moved ahead or changed in ways that put my own need for SDAC at odds with that of Janet’s. No matter how strongly I believe in the rectitude of what I think I need to do and then act accordingly, the piper is always awaiting payment and the price is often high. Why? Well, as Janet has often pointed out in no uncertain terms: “What you do affects me!” And, herein lies a Gordian dilemma (i.e., “a problem insoluble in its own terms”).

I have always stubbornly maintained that the solution to this titanic clash of core-selves resides in the quality of unconditional acceptance. That is to say, we must embrace acceptance of the other as strongly as we cling to our SDAC. And, I don’t think this equates to the Golden Rule or the ancient mitzvah to love our neighbor, the stranger, our flesh and blood just as much as we love ourselves. Why? A lot of people claim to love someone in spite of disapproving of them in some way–moral reasoning that concludes acceptance of attitudes, behaviors, beliefs, etc. may not be possible, nor permitted in spite of the fact that love remains. I have no argument with this. It seems very true to me, but it also means that Love is not the solution to problem of colliding SDACs. Just because you love someone, it doesn’t mean that you accept them.

So, what does unconditional acceptance require if it takes more than Love? I would posit that it takes grace, empathy and respect. If these qualities are in enough abundance, then it is possible to accept someone, regardless of whether or not you love them. Instead of insisting that these qualities must be earned, they must instead be offered, extended freely, without reservation and without judgement. True acceptance requires an honest effort to see the world through the eyes of another person. It requires a desire to truly appreciate the differences in other people rather than being afraid of those differences.

If clinging to our SDAC gives us purpose, we should understand that it gives everyone the same purpose. We are doing the best we can to navigate the journey set before us. May we find acceptance along the way … perhaps even Love and Acceptance.