Here’s admiring you kid …

“Beware the engineers of society, I say, who would make everyone in all the world equal. Opportunity should be equal, must be equal, but achievement must remain individual.”

Drizzt Do’Urden (Icewind Dale Trilogy, Streams of Silver)

When I contemplated starting this post with the pregnant phrase, “Marriage is a long and winding road,” I realized that it could serve as the opening for more blog entries than I will ever be able to write, although some of them will grace this site. But, more to the point, it has taken me a long time (probably too long) to internalize that the actions and experiences of one partner in the relationship really do have an impact on the other (of course, you are now wondering how in the world my marriage has survived). But, even more to the point, Janet is retiring from a 25-year career as an elementary school teacher at the end of June. As it should be, the spotlight is on Janet and her accomplishments, but I have been along for the ride. Hence, this reflection.

I have watched Janet go through a process of coming to terms with what it means to retire. We spend decades working, and the habitual nature of rising, shining, striving and collapsing comes to define us in powerful ways. When you are starting out at the other end of your career as a working adult, it is nigh impossible to suss the meaning of retirement. It is like a 15-year old trying to imagine what it will be like when they turn 60. On one level, you know it will happen, but, on another, you do not really believe it and you certainly cannot understand it. So, Janet is arriving at one of those moments of impossibility now all too real.

Janet’s process of grappling with the implications of this milestone has made me realize a few things and fall even more deeply in love with this remarkable woman:

• Sadness and grief may precede joy: Janet has always loved teaching, and even though she won’t tell you so, she is very, very good at it. Once the school year starts, she throws herself into the work with an abandon that spills over into the late afternoon, evening and weekend. Her emotions ride the roller coaster of perceived success or failure in making a difference in the lives of her kids. I know that she is going to miss this defining purpose, even though there are a myriad reasons why she should be happy to leave behind the bad behavior, the occasionally nasty e-mails, the endless meetings, and the frustrations of over-crowded classrooms. Janet also dearly loves her teaching partner. I can see that she is working through some self-imposed guilt about leaving her to deal with the next batch of “crazy” 1st-graders. Janet doesn’t want “to bail” on the colleague and friend who always has her back and miss out on the commiseration they share daily.

• You don’t escape that easily: Retirement isn’t the date on which you are not expected to report to work. Retirement is a process that requires numerous steps and not a little fortitude. In short, retiring means making a lot of decisions and signing a lot of forms. The school district maintains one checklist. The financial planner has another. Oh … and don’t forget the choices you need to weigh regarding payment options, beneficiaries, rollovers, heath care, etc., plus all the signatures required in order to start collecting money from the pension fund to which you have been contributing all these years. I have watched Janet tackle all these tasks with aplomb. Her resolve and steady pursuit of dotting all the “i”s and crossing all the “t”s has been impressive. The other day, I went along with her to notarize the final document and enjoyed basking in the pride and satisfaction that she experienced at that moment.

• Try to Finish Strong: One of the things I admire most about Janet is her commitment to bringing her best self to her roles as a teacher, mom, grand-mom (Ah Ah), daughter, daughter-in-law, sister, aunt and cousin. It’s all about relationships for Janet, and, yippee, that includes me in spite of being a bat-sh-t crazy husband. From the beginning of the school year, Janet’s constant refrain has been, “I want to finish strong and not slink out the door.” Even though it’s not in her nature to slink anywhere, Janet wants to go out at the top of her game. We have all known people who threw in the proverbial towel on the home stretch, but that will not be my wife. If anything, she will try even harder just to erase any impression of slacking or slinking.

So Janet … here’s to admiring you kid. You are closing in on one of life’s big moments, and you are doing it in style. I realize you don’t have all the answers as to what lies on the other side of this ending/beginning, but … you know what? It’s gonna be great because you are great. Let’s take the ride together. I’ve got shotgun.